Kind Confrontation
By Action Business Coach Dave Beam
There are two words that
most people don’t think go together; kindness and confrontation. Most
effective leaders understand the necessity of confrontation, but most would not
consider it an act of kindness. The majority of people who consider
themselves “kind” avoid confrontation like the plague. The idea of
“stressing” another person or making them uncomfortable by confronting them
seems to be a bit unkind, if not downright mean. The common belief is
that confrontation by its nature is not gentle. A concept of kind
confrontation seems counterintuitive.
If you see a need to
confront, and have avoided it because you don’t want to be rude, unkind, or
harsh, I have great news. I believe the most effective confrontation is
delivered in a context of kindness, gentleness, and the utmost grace. The
content of the confrontation generally carries enough toughness to get the job done.
The most effective confrontation is administered in a context of kindness
and gentleness. If you are interested in learning the art of kind
confrontation, this article is for you.
First, let’s consider
some basic principles of kind confrontation:
PRINCIPLE #1: You can’t change anyone. You may intimidate, bully, bribe, cajole,
flatter, scare, or manipulate some people into some kind of shallow response or
behavior, but that is not the type of true and lasting change that results from
great leadership. I am proposing that great leaders know how to influence
the hearts of those they lead by inspiring them to change themselves from the
inside out. Though at times the leader creates discomfort, and even pain,
it is always from a place of deep caring and for the purpose of building up and
not destroying. The leader provides a context of empathy and
understanding in the midst of the sometimes painful confrontation.
PRINCIPLE #2: Few people respond positively to
criticism. The kind
confronter will criticize the problem, but never the person. Those who
practice kind confrontation actually team up with the person being confronted
to critique and attack the problem. No one is without weaknesses and
shortcomings, so it is inefficient and counterproductive to attack and judge
people.
PRINCIPLE #3: Open and honest dialogue gets the
job done. The kind
confronter knows that candy coating problems and downplaying the seriousness of
a problem only makes it worse. Minimizing problems and consequences are
not acts of kindness, but selfishness. It is disingenuous and lacks
integrity to avoid or deny the issue. The kind confronter must create a
context of mature mental toughness so that both people can get real and address
what is actually going on. You must face problems to solve problems.
Sometimes problems are ugly and nasty and make people look ugly and
nasty. They can also be sensitive, personal issues. You need to
separate the problem from the person, and then enroll them to work with you to
address it…all of it, completely, nothing left uncovered or still hanging.
Helping people deal thoroughly, honestly, and completely with problems is
one of the kindest things you will ever do as a leader.
PRINCIPLE #4: It is never appropriate to
be vulgar, mean, sarcastic or rude, especially when the person you are helping becomes vulgar, mean,
sarcastic, or rude. It is often appropriate to be firm, clear, direct,
and even intense at times, but a soft answer turns away wrath. Kindness is
never out of style or inappropriate. Rudeness and harshness only shut down
communication and create more problems.
PRINCIPLE #5: It is infinitely more
important to determine what is right, not who is right. It is all about getting resolution,
function, and results. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. All
that matters is that we get a solution that profits everyone. Kindness
disappears when big egos are present. Drop the ego and the need to prove
that you are right. Some of the problem may be your lack of information
or understanding. A listening ear and reasonableness are keys to creating
solutions.
PRINCIPLE #6: Confront quickly. I am often asked when it is appropriate
to overlook a matter. My rule of thumb is that if you can overlook it and
truly let it go in one day, there is no need to confront. You just need
to lighten up and leave people alone!! However, if you have a situation
that bothers you more than a day or two, it is time to have a conversation.
Unresolved issues don’t disappear. They grow and take on a life of
their own. Like snowballs rolling down hill, they pick up all kinds of
trash and half-truths. The creative human mind will make up stories in
the absence of facts and honest conversation. Small and fresh problems
are much easier to resolve.
PRINCIPLE #7: Prepare for the
conversation. Do some personal
reflection and consider how you may be contributing to or even causing the
problem. How much of the issue is real, and how much of it is your
perception? Sometimes an issue will be resolved before you say a word!
Just make sure this is an issue worthy of resolution. Also, define
clearly the issue you are confronting. Write it down. This is where
it is crucial for you to be direct and clear. Factual, actual data is
important. A clear record of what actually is happening (at least the
current information that you have) is extremely helpful.
PRINCIPLE #8: Attack the problem and
accept the person. This is a
critical distinction to maintain throughout the confrontation. The person
sitting with you is NOT the problem. You both have a problem to attack
and resolve. They may not be aware of the problem, and they may even be
causing the problem, but the goal is to define the problem and resolve it, not
attack and mangle the other person. The sooner you can demonstrate
acceptance of the person through great empathy and listening, and enroll their
help in defining and resolving the problem, the more successful the
confrontation. Give them space and respect. Let them fully express
their perspective. Be open minded and flexible and always willing to
change your position based on what you hear. You are not in a wrestling
contest trying to win and dominate and get your way. You are in a dance,
leading another person to a beautiful resolution and reconciliation.
PRINCIPLE #9: Be immovable on core values. All of us blow it from time to time.
We fail to perform and keep our commitments. Such failures are
unacceptable, but are also very human and real. Though we offer
forgiveness and a new start, it is never appropriate to make it okay to violate
a core value. Have you as a leader defined, clearly communicated, and
created agreements with your team members on core values? Here is an
example. Perhaps one of your core values is integrity. Integrity
means we do what we say we will do. Your team member failed to keep a
commitment. They said they would follow up with a customer, and they
failed to do so. In the course of your conversation you determine that
this actually happened; they did drop the ball. Though they offered some
“reasons” for this occurring, they admit that it did indeed occur. At
this point you can make a huge mistake by saying that it is okay for this to
happen, and that we just need to try harder. No! Though your team member
is OK because they are a human being that makes mistakes and sometimes lack
integrity (just like you), it is NOT OK to neglect to do what you say you will
do. To resolve this problem, we need to create an agreement on how to
prevent this from happening again, because it is unacceptable behavior.
We fully accept our team member, but we do not accept their behavior.
The core value of integrity and doing what we say we will do remains
immovable.
PRINCIPLE #10:
To be great at kind confrontation, you must practice it. Once you
have the basic principles, the only way to learn kind confrontation is to do
it. Life will provide the
classroom. You must choose to step up
and go for it. To be sure, you will make
mistakes. Those mistakes will provide
more opportunity for you to learn this skill.
