By Certified Action Coach Dave Beam
How many times have you thought “I just don’t understand him” or “Why does she do that?” or “They really just don’t make sense”. Consider the essence of what you are thinking. Up to this point in the communication, you have not really listened to that person. Realize this. Good listening is not natural. As a typical self-centered person, your focus in communication is you. You want others to understand you. You want to be heard and appreciated. If they would just listen, you could help them get this situation resolved. You really do have the answers, don’t you? And you don’t understand why ______ won’t listen to you.
Even when you choose to listen to another person, it often is simply a means to an end. You sometimes listen just to get some information that you need. You might listen to help you get something accomplished or to solve a problem. Please understand, dear reader, that I am not saying that any of this is wrong. But what I want you to understand is that the way we all typically listen to others is insufficient to bring about a true understanding of the other person. If you are catching my drift, this is great news, because what I am telling you is that there is an enhanced way to listen to others that does lead to deep understanding, and within deep mutual understanding there is a potential to create amazing results!
One of the keys to this deeper type of listening is learning how to be fully present. To be fully present is to be 100% here, body, mind, and spirit, and not somewhere else. All of us know how you can be physically one place and mentally somewhere else. How many wives have tried to communicate with their husbands as they watch the football game? How many students have been physically in the lecture hall and mentally on vacation?
If I want to be fully present with another person, I need to consciously choose to put all of my focus, thoughts, and attention on that person in the present moment. This is a commitment to make that other person my number one priority and to place my entire interest in who they are, what they are thinking, how they are feeling, and what is important to them. It is a choice to set aside all of my preconceived thoughts, prejudices, ideas, stories, and even past history with that person, and totally tune in the present communication and moment. It is a choice to raise my sensitivity and awareness so that I can empathetically understand their feelings as well as the information they are sharing. When I am being present, my goal is to connect and stay connected until I enter into their experience.
My challenge for you this week is to choose to be present during your next several conversations. This is a discipline and a choice. Tune out everything but that person and listen carefully and compassionately with the goal to empathetically understand the other person. Refuse to contaminate your listening by formulating responses, critiquing and judging, or reacting. Just relax, focus, and listen just to understand. When the other person has finished, share what you have heard in your own words and ask to clarify, correct, and confirm. Be willing to listen again until you have fully understood them – to their satisfaction! To be sure, this is challenging and uncomfortable at first, but it is a skill well worth developing. If you truly listen and understand, it is likely that the other person will be open to listening to you as well. Teach them how to be fully present. You will be blessed and amazed at what agreements and results can be created out of this level of understanding.
Let me know if you have questions or comments. Thank you for listening!
No comments:
Post a Comment