How to Be a Positive Influence in Other’s Lives - Part 1

By Certified Action Coach Dave Beam

One question that I get quite often from business owners is “How can I change my employees and help them take ownership so that they will care about their work, customers, and the business as much as I do?”  It is a great question, and is worthy of consideration.

First, I usually start by telling them that they really can’t “change” anyone.  They can likely change their environment, compensation, job, and comfort.  But my question is can anyone really change the motives, desires, values, and identity of another person?

Many have tried and certainly failed with much frustration and disappointment.  I really believe a much better question is “How can I be a more effective influence in other’s lives?”  I do believe that is achievable and a worthy pursuit.  The issue is leadership.  What do you need to become (and how do you need to behave) so that others will follow you?

Stephen Covey in his classic “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” addresses the concept of The Circle of Concern versus the Circle of Influence.  This concept holds a key to becoming a positive influence.

Picture two concentric circles; One smaller circle inside a larger circle.  The larger outer circle is the Circle of Concern.  Within that circle is everything that you care about.  It certainly includes the changes you would like to see in others.  Within this larger outer Circle of Concern is a smaller Circle of Influence.  Inside this inner circle are the things that you are concerned about AND that you can do something about.  The distinction is critical.

To grow your Circle of Influence within your Circle of Concern, you need to feed the inner circle, and starve the outer circle.  You need to invest your thought, your effort, and your attention on the things that you can presently change, and ignore, neglect, and avoid the things that you are concerned about but cannot currently change.  As you do this, your influence will grow.  However, if you focus on the concerns outside your influence, you will diminish your influence.

Now consider this question.  In your relationships with others, what is in the center of your influence?  What aspect of that relationship do you have the most influence and control over?  It is you!  What you can change in any relationship is yourself – your approach, your listening, your kindness, your respect. 

If you want to increase your influence in others lives, then you must become a better leader; a better “you”.  You must work harder on yourself than you do on them!  And this is the first lesson to learn:  You generally get back from others what you give out.  If you express frustration, you will get back frustration.  Anger reaps anger, and confusion reaps confusion.  Appreciation and gratitude given out reap appreciation and gratitude.  Your relationships are a reflection of – you! 

Leaders want respect.  Great leaders practice respecting others.  One of the most effective ways to express respect is to listen empathetically.  Next week we will explore how to improve your ability to listen well.