“The Breakthrough of Understanding” - The Seven Levels – Part 3

By Action Coach Dave Beam

We are considering the seven levels of relationship.  In my coaching over the last seven years, I have discovered that most team problems arise from weak communication and shallow relationships.  This simple model illustrates the progressive upward shift in relationship moving from a low level of misunderstanding to a productive and rewarding level of connection based on shared understanding.  Today we consider the transformational level of Understanding.  Enjoy and take action!

ACCOUNTABILITY
COMMITMENT
AGREEMENT
UNDERSTANDING
RAPPORT
EXPECTATION
MYTH

The level of understanding is truly the breakthrough in communication.  Developing a level of rapport is prerequisite to understanding, for in rapport we let down the guard and let another person in.  To be the leader in building a great relationship and communication, you must choose to seek first to understand before being understood.  I learned this key habit of effectiveness from Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  The most essential tool for coming to an understanding is simply listening.

Though it is simple to listen to another person, it generally is not easy.  Herein lies the challenge.  To effectively listen, I must shift my total attention into the present, and totally focus on the other person.  My thoughts, ideas, and opinions are unimportant, and in fact a hindrance.  If I allow my perceptions and response to be with me while I am listening, they will muddle the message.  If I want to fully understand, I must come to a place where I see things purely from the other person’s mindset and understanding.  I must drop all judgment and remove all filters, and seek to just fully accept and understand where they are coming from.  Emotionally, this is uncomfortable.  It feels like I am giving in, perhaps to ideas and beliefs that are wrong.   This is not true.  You are choosing to set aside your judgment, beliefs, and understandings in order to fully listen, appreciate and understand the other person.  The effect is that person is respected and accepted.  Once they know that you empathetically understand them, they will likely want to listen to and understand you in the same way.  Out of this deep mutual understanding, you are both empowered to create some wonderful win:win agreements. 

Great open ended questions stimulate conversation that leads to understanding.  How, what, when, who, why, and tell me more are examples of open ended question starters.  Ask an open ended question, shut up and listen, and then ask a second question based on the answer to the first one.  Allow one question to lead to another, and soon you will be at a deep level of understanding.  Reflect back to the other person what you hear them saying, and let them hone your understanding until you both know that you fully understand them.    

I truly believe that this is the breakthrough level to building a strong relationship.  It is worth your investment of time and effort to learn how to do this and do it.  If you want some help in honing your communication skills, call us.