Kind Confrontation

By Action Business Coach Dave Beam

There are two words that most people don’t think go together; kindness and confrontation.  Most effective leaders understand the necessity of confrontation, but most would not consider it an act of kindness.  The majority of people who consider themselves “kind” avoid confrontation like the plague.  The idea of “stressing” another person or making them uncomfortable by confronting them seems to be a bit unkind, if not downright mean.  The common belief is that confrontation by its nature is not gentle.  A concept of kind confrontation seems counterintuitive.

If you see a need to confront, and have avoided it because you don’t want to be rude, unkind, or harsh, I have great news.  I believe the most effective confrontation is delivered in a context of kindness, gentleness, and the utmost grace.  The content of the confrontation generally carries enough toughness to get the job done.  The most effective confrontation is administered in a context of kindness and gentleness.  If you are interested in learning the art of kind confrontation, this article is for you.

First, let’s consider some basic principles of kind confrontation:

PRINCIPLE #1: You can’t change anyone.  You may intimidate, bully, bribe, cajole, flatter, scare, or manipulate some people into some kind of shallow response or behavior, but that is not the type of true and lasting change that results from great leadership.  I am proposing that great leaders know how to influence the hearts of those they lead by inspiring them to change themselves from the inside out.  Though at times the leader creates discomfort, and even pain, it is always from a place of deep caring and for the purpose of building up and not destroying.  The leader provides a context of empathy and understanding in the midst of the sometimes painful confrontation.

PRINCIPLE #2: Few people respond positively to criticism.  The kind confronter will criticize the problem, but never the person.  Those who practice kind confrontation actually team up with the person being confronted to critique and attack the problem.  No one is without weaknesses and shortcomings, so it is inefficient and counterproductive to attack and judge people.

PRINCIPLE #3: Open and honest dialogue gets the job done.  The kind confronter knows that candy coating problems and downplaying the seriousness of a problem only makes it worse.  Minimizing problems and consequences are not acts of kindness, but selfishness.  It is disingenuous and lacks integrity to avoid or deny the issue.  The kind confronter must create a context of mature mental toughness so that both people can get real and address what is actually going on.  You must face problems to solve problems.  Sometimes problems are ugly and nasty and make people look ugly and nasty.  They can also be sensitive, personal issues.  You need to separate the problem from the person, and then enroll them to work with you to address it…all of it, completely, nothing left uncovered or still hanging.  Helping people deal thoroughly, honestly, and completely with problems is one of the kindest things you will ever do as a leader.    

PRINCIPLE #4:  It is never appropriate to be vulgar, mean, sarcastic or rude, especially when the person you are helping becomes vulgar, mean, sarcastic, or rude.  It is often appropriate to be firm, clear, direct, and even intense at times, but a soft answer turns away wrath. Kindness is never out of style or inappropriate.  Rudeness and harshness only shut down communication and create more problems.

PRINCIPLE #5:  It is infinitely more important to determine what is right, not who is right.  It is all about getting resolution, function, and results.  It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong.  All that matters is that we get a solution that profits everyone.  Kindness disappears when big egos are present.  Drop the ego and the need to prove that you are right.  Some of the problem may be your lack of information or understanding.  A listening ear and reasonableness are keys to creating solutions.

PRINCIPLE #6: Confront quickly.  I am often asked when it is appropriate to overlook a matter.  My rule of thumb is that if you can overlook it and truly let it go in one day, there is no need to confront.  You just need to lighten up and leave people alone!!  However, if you have a situation that bothers you more than a day or two, it is time to have a conversation.  Unresolved issues don’t disappear.  They grow and take on a life of their own.  Like snowballs rolling down hill, they pick up all kinds of trash and half-truths.  The creative human mind will make up stories in the absence of facts and honest conversation.  Small and fresh problems are much easier to resolve.

PRINCIPLE #7:  Prepare for the conversation.  Do some personal reflection and consider how you may be contributing to or even causing the problem.  How much of the issue is real, and how much of it is your perception?  Sometimes an issue will be resolved before you say a word!  Just make sure this is an issue worthy of resolution.  Also, define clearly the issue you are confronting.  Write it down.  This is where it is crucial for you to be direct and clear.  Factual, actual data is important.  A clear record of what actually is happening (at least the current information that you have) is extremely helpful.  

PRINCIPLE #8:  Attack the problem and accept the person.  This is a critical distinction to maintain throughout the confrontation.  The person sitting with you is NOT the problem.  You both have a problem to attack and resolve.  They may not be aware of the problem, and they may even be causing the problem, but the goal is to define the problem and resolve it, not attack and mangle the other person.  The sooner you can demonstrate acceptance of the person through great empathy and listening, and enroll their help in defining and resolving the problem, the more successful the confrontation.  Give them space and respect.  Let them fully express their perspective.  Be open minded and flexible and always willing to change your position based on what you hear.  You are not in a wrestling contest trying to win and dominate and get your way.  You are in a dance, leading another person to a beautiful resolution and reconciliation.

PRINCIPLE #9:  Be immovable on core values.  All of us blow it from time to time.  We fail to perform and keep our commitments.  Such failures are unacceptable, but are also very human and real.  Though we offer forgiveness and a new start, it is never appropriate to make it okay to violate a core value.  Have you as a leader defined, clearly communicated, and created agreements with your team members on core values?  Here is an example.  Perhaps one of your core values is integrity.  Integrity means we do what we say we will do.  Your team member failed to keep a commitment.  They said they would follow up with a customer, and they failed to do so.  In the course of your conversation you determine that this actually happened; they did drop the ball.  Though they offered some “reasons” for this occurring, they admit that it did indeed occur.  At this point you can make a huge mistake by saying that it is okay for this to happen, and that we just need to try harder. No!  Though your team member is OK because they are a human being that makes mistakes and sometimes lack integrity (just like you), it is NOT OK to neglect to do what you say you will do.  To resolve this problem, we need to create an agreement on how to prevent this from happening again, because it is unacceptable behavior.  We fully accept our team member, but we do not accept their behavior.  The core value of integrity and doing what we say we will do remains immovable.

PRINCIPLE #10:  To be great at kind confrontation, you must practice it.  Once you have the basic principles, the only way to learn kind confrontation is to do it.  Life will provide the classroom.  You must choose to step up and go for it.  To be sure, you will make mistakes.  Those mistakes will provide more opportunity for you to learn this skill. 

The Ladder of Consciousness

By Action Business Coach Dave Beam

I must begin this article with gratitude to Steve Chandler, one of my coaches.  I first heard about the ladder of consciousness in his audio presentation, mindshift.  I highly recommend his mindshift audio series.

At the bottom of this ladder is death.  Dead people are truly unconscious.  The next rung up on the ladder is fear; then a little higher is anger, then resentment, then anxiety, then worry, then concern.  The lower rungs of this ladder represent emotions that tend to bring you down and drain energy, effectiveness, performance, and creativity.

On the high end of this ladder is spirit, creativity, imagination, compassion, humor, intuition, and love.  On this upper end of the ladder is high energy, experiment, openness, lightness, engagement, focus, clarity and play.  When you are high up the ladder, you are highly aware and in tune.  You can see so much more.  Your whole brain is fully engaged, and you are at peak performance.  Some refer to this as “being in the zone”, or “hitting your stride”.

The obvious question is this; How does a person move up the ladder?  It is all about your thinking and chosen responses to your environment.  Other people can’t really “bring you down”.  Your circumstances are not really what will “lift you up”.  Rather, it is what you think about other people and your circumstances that will drain your energy and vibration, or lift you up and bring you into the zone.

Fear, anger, resentment, anxiety, overwhelm, as well as happiness, peace, love, patience, and creativity are all products of your thinking.  A snake cannot make you afraid.  It is your thought and belief about snakes that may terrify you.  That new customer that just said yes to your sales offer is not what made you feel great.  You are feeling good because of what you are thinking and believing about that sale and what happened.

The key to experiencing higher levels of creativity, consciousness, energy, relaxation, and peace lie in experiencing a shift in attitude and thinking.  It begins by realizing that your thoughts are not you, and you can choose to accept or reject any thought or belief that you have.  What you accept as reality is actually only what you believe and understand and interpret as reality.  It is very real to you, but the fact is you only perceive a small piece of what is real.  All of us perceive circumstances, experience, and life though our limited interpretation.  That paradigm, or belief that we hold is what creates our attitudes and state of being.

Simply stated, a coach is someone who helps you discover an alternative paradigm to your circumstance, and through great inquiry and questions, helps you see what you don’t currently see.  He can help you shift your paradigm, thereby leading you to higher levels of consciousness.  This shift enables peak performance and better results.  The coach helps you climb up the ladder!!

Would you like to step up to a higher place?  What’s stopping you?

Creating Your Energy

By Action Coach Dave Beam

I woke up the other day and felt lousy.  There was a grogginess, a nausea, and overall feeling of lethargy.  I don’t drink alcohol, and was not hung over!!  But my guess is it was a very similar feeling.

So what is the most effective way to address feelings of blah and tiredness?  The natural inclination is to pull the covers up over your head (if you can get away with it), or just to plop down in the recliner and veg out.  And let me ask you, how does that affect you and make you feel?  If your experience is like mine, it just adds to the tiredness and heaviness.

The other day, I choose to exercise, put on some music, and also grabbed a cup of coffee.  I have been journaling my gratitude and inspirational thoughts, and I also reviewed and read through those out loud.  The outcome was good.  I felt much better, and had a great supply of energy to face the responsibilities and joys of the day.  The nausea and heaviness was gone.

The point is this.  You can create and change your state of energy.  Certainly it begins with reasonable nutrition and rest.  But when you feel a bit down, and tired, you do have a choice.  You can respond by dropping out, disengaging, and even doing more draining actions like channel surfing, web surfing, gorging on junk food, or indulging in other non-productive excesses.  Such things bring you further down the energy ladder into guilt, depression, and discouragement.  You have a choice when you feel bad.  Instead of shutting down and giving up, you can choose to “rise up” and “get into action” and create your energy.  Take a walk, or a jog.  Put on some upbeat enlivening music.  Choose to tackle a task that you have been avoiding.  Pull out a piece of paper or a journal and write down fifteen things you are thankful for.  Pick up the phone and text or call someone to give them a lift.  Send an e-mail to a friend that could use the encouragement.  Hug a grandchild.  Kiss your spouse.  It may shock them!!

Need I go on?  The possibilities are endless.  The next time you are feeling a little low and despondent, rise up and turn up the activity.  Get up and get into action.  Engage, don’t disengage. 

You know this works, because you’ve done it before.  This is just a reminder on the obvious!!!  It’s not what happens to us that causes us to lose, it is how we choose to respond.  Go create some energy and  fun today.

  

How You Do One Thing is How You Do Everything

By Action Coach Dave Beam

Physical health and fitness.  Maintenance of your automobile and house.  Organization of your office and desk.  Consistent learning and reading.  Making value based choices.  Paying your taxes on time.  Meeting regularly with your team members.  Regular savings.  Sending thank you notes.  Scheduled date nights with your spouse.  Your personal learning and education. Quality conversations with your children.

No, I am not trying to create a guilt trip!!!  When you beat yourself up, all you get are scrapes and bruises.  What I am illustrating is that all of life’s issues and activities are related.  When you improve one, all the others tend to get better.  When you neglect one, the others suffer as well.  It is just a fact.  How you do one thing is how you do everything.

Coaching is all about improvement and excellence.  I work with people who want to create a great life and business.  I get the question, “Dave, are you a life coach, or a business coach?”  I just smile and say “yes”.  The most efficient and effective way to improve your business is to improve you.   

Physical health is certainly one of those priorities.  Folks with multiple roles and responsibilities often neglect this foundation.  You know where I am going.  Consistent physical activity, a sufficient amount of rest and sleep, a nutritional balanced diet that creates fitness, choosing a healthy mental outlook and attitude by addressing negative emotions like worry, anger, and resentment; all of this keeps your body renewed and ready to serve.  Healthy people who feel good perform better.  People who perform well feel better.

Relationships.  Your relationship to your Creator is priority number one.  How are you seeking to get to know God?  Your family is so important.  Think about that coming day when you will leave this life.  What will matter?  Relationships are likely at the top of your list.

Your financial health will mirror your relationships and physical well being.  Budgeting and saving are a lot like dieting and exercise!  A great, profitable business is created and led by a great leader.  Great leaders are people of integrity.  How they do one thing is how they do everything!  What you see is what you get!  They also are abundant givers as well.  As a result, they attract and retain great team members, and have a great business that financially prospers. 

So why don’t you grab a coffee, or some tea, or a glass of ice water, and invest some time thinking about all the different roles you play, and all of the responsibilities you carry, and notice how they all reflect one another.  Then choose an area that may be a bit neglected, and make some positive changes.  It will benefit your whole life.  You will feel better, think better, act better, and be better.